Expectations and holiday cheer

My only criteria for having a successful holiday is that I remain a sane and likeable person throughout. I start holiday preparations early. I keep them simple. I set the expectation for myself that holidays are not about the gifts, the decorations, or the food. They are about creating connection and good feeling. I keep in mind that my family is going to be exactly who they are on that day, just as they are every other day. Maybe the best self will show up, maybe not, we cannot know. But there is not any reason to believe that all will be perfect: the decorations, the food, the gifts, the people. It will be what it is and I will enjoy whatever it is, because.....why not?

So, this season, I thoroughly enjoyed the Thanksgiving holiday. All four days. I did not begin any Christmas preparations in the middle of Thanksgiving. I just fully enjoyed the first before even thinking about the next.

At the beginning of December, we got out the advent calendar, the stockings, the nativity set. We read Christmas books at bedtime. The kids played with their nativity set. We made plans about what goodies to bake for Santa. We began crafting, making gifts for our friends and family. We spent a week or so in blissful creative mode together, loving every moment. It felt really good, like a little taste of holiday cheer.

Then there was a week that it seemed every morning when I woke up to check in with the world via email or facebook, I would be in tears. A mama friend received a cancer diagnosis. A friend's infant son who had been ill his whole life, passed away. A friend, a single mother, lost her job two weeks before Christmas. A friend going through divorce, facing Christmas as a single parent for the first time. Reading the news, which I can just barely stand to read even on good days, became entirely unbearable that week. I became overwhelmed with sadness and found myself saying, "No fair! And seriously, at Christmas time?".

Which reminded me that it isn't just in my little corner of the world that small things may not be perfect for the holidays. It's everyone, it's everywhere, and sometimes it's really big things. Holiday cheer......it is real, of course, but there is so much more.

This year, this season, I am feeling this complicated jumble of grief and sadness and "no fair"ness and hopelessness and hopefulness and gratitude and compassion and love. It's a lot all at once. It really is. But if I can hold it all at once, all of it, it is a full and rich experience. True to life. True to every season, holiday or otherwise.

Sending love and warmest holiday wishes to all! See you next year!

No poo update

I have had so much fun learning about no shampoo hair care! Considering that I am learning how to do almost nothing to my hair, I have to laugh at how much I read about this. And truly, there is quite a bit to learn, play with and figure out in order to be successful at it. It's just fascinating to me that this works!

I started my no-poo journey using baking soda and apple cider vinegar. I did experience a transition phase where my roots were greasy. It wasn't bad enough that anyone but me noticed it and it only lasted a couple weeks. I wear my hair back most of the time anyway, so it was really no big deal. I also noticed some flakiness. I have never had dandruff or flakes, so I had to read about this. This is how I understand it now. If you notice large flakes and a dry scalp, that is dandruff. Small powdery white stuff is from a buildup of sebum or perhaps even the buildup from your shampoo/conditioner sloughing off slowly. So because my roots were oily, I was having a buildup of sebum. I know it sounds kind of gross. Maybe you are wishing I hadn't mentioned it. But I don't want people to freak out and give up if they notice this sort of thing. It's no cause for a freak-out. It really will pass.

I used to have a slight wave to my hair, very slight. I wish I could show you a before picture, but I am the one taking the pictures usually and I can't find a picture with me in it! My hair also had a tendency to be dry and maybe a bit frizzy. I almost never wore it down because it would get in my face and annoy me.

When I began no-poo, I started having lovely waves. It is darn near curly! Without residue from my haircare products, my hair feels much lighter, dries faster, feels softer, and looks noticeably better. I no longer need any products to keep it from frizzing because my hair is now coated in natural oils (and don't say "Eeeewwww!" because I promise it is not at all gross). It lays nicely and stays out of my face. And I LOVE that it smells like nothing! No flowery scents in my face all the time. Just nothing.

I found my curls picture-worthy, so I can share them with you!

Is that not exciting???

Since curly/wavy hair is a new thing for me, I started learning about how to care for curls. I bought some micro-fiber hair turbans and tried plopping. I'm not sure how I got so far in life without knowing this nifty trick.

So, it has been a couple months since I ditched my shampoo. Several weeks ago I decided to also ditch the baking soda. I read a lot about water only hair care and I figure if water is all that's necessary, why not do the easiest, simplest thing? I experienced another transition period, much shorter and easier than the first. My roots got heavy again. I panicked a little. It just seems reasonable that it can only get worse. How on earth could it get better without using something to strip the oils? Like magic, it does get better. Everything I read said it would, and it did. My body just figured it out. Amazing.

I am still getting to know my hair in its natural state. It is completely different. It feels soft. It looks shiny. When I brush through it at night, it doesn't get all frizzed out like it once did. It just gets soft and shiny. It even separates back out into nice looking waves on the second day. When my hair is wet, I can feel the oil in my hair and I can see it bead up on my shower comb. That is definitely a new thing to get used to. I feared that it might be tangly and difficult to comb, but it has not been. I worried that it might smell bad, but it doesn't smell like anything.

The routine I have settled into is to do a distilled water/apple cider vinegar rinse about once a week or so. Otherwise, I just do water only rinses about every 2-3 days. Not because my hair is dirty, but because I like to refresh the curls and wear my hair down more often now that it is so lovely. After my shower, I do my plopping. Ten minutes later I take it out of the towel and I'm done. Each night before I go to bed, I do my scritching and preening with my boar bristle brush. My oldest daughter and I brush each others' hair. It has been a sweet time with her each evening.

If you are interested in giving this a try, follow my links! These are some of the best resources I found on the subject. Also know that this takes some persistence, patience and tweaking. Tweaking because every person is different, so you will need to get to know your own body and do what works best for you. Patience and persistence because your body will take some time to adjust to your new routine.

Stories

Lately, I have been thinking a lot about how the stories we tell about ourselves shape who we are, shape our experience. As I listen to people talk, I often can hear "their story", the same theme over and over again.

"I was left out".

"It wasn't fair!"

"Someone took advantage of my kindness".

"It didn't live up to my expectations".

There are as many stories as there are people, of course.

If I can hear others' stories, I know I must have my own too. I sit and listen to the stories that run through my own mind so I can find where I am stuck, where I need to let go or open up.

I found a couple of lovely quotes in my reading lately that relate to these ideas:

It’s a hard thing, sometimes, to accept that other people feel as strongly about their stories as we feel about ours. A hard thing, but also an essential one. Every so often, it helps to remind myself that a world with only one story might be peaceful. But it’d also be pretty damn boring. (From Ben Hewitt's blog post Pretty Damn Boring)

What makes us miserable, what causes us to be in conflict with one another, is our insistence on our particular view of things: our view of what we deserve or want, our view of right and wrong, our view of self, our view of other, our view of life, our view of death. But views are just views. They are not ultimate truth. There is no way to eliminate views, nor would we want to. As long as we are alive and aware there will be views. Views are colorful and interesting and life-enhancing—as long as we know they are views. (From Norman Fischer, on tricycle)

And of course, Byron Katie is an author to check out if you want to read and think more about stories.

On pits and poo (SHAMpoo, that is)

I have been running a little experiment this summer. I have always used clinical strength anti-perspirant and STILL been a stinky person. In the shower, just out of the shower, all day long. And I decided if I am stinky anyway, why not try something more natural. What have I got to lose, really?

I interviewed my dear friend, who is very chemically sensitive, on her favorite natural deodorants. She recommended Lafe's and Desert Essence. So I got both! And I also grabbed some Crystal Deodorant Spray. I figured I would have to hit this hard if I had any hope of succeeding. I tried each alone and then I tried applying the Crystal Spray before applying the Lafe's or Desert Essence.

When I started the experiment, I thought I was going to have to settle for being stinky, maybe even stinkier than before. I never, ever expected this would work BETTER. It works better. Any of them alone works better, but what works the best for me is using the Crystal Spray and one of the others, either one. I am really completely shocked.

So, with that success under my belt, I am thinking about shampoo.

My kids' hair has been flaky. I have been finding that none of my expensive and fancy shampoos are working all that great for me lately. Plus, I am someone who needs moisture on my skin, so I find it strange that my hair gets greasy. I am not oily anywhere else. So, just not feeling much love for shampoo anyway right now. Maybe it could go.

I'm only a few days into this experiment. Even after 2+ days of not washing, grease has not been a problem. I have read repeatedly it could be a funky few weeks of transition. No funkiness yet, but I am prepared to ride it out if it happens. Anyway, not much personal experience to offer, but I'll share some no poo resources for the curious:

http://theartofsimple.net/how-to-clean-your-hair-without-shampoo/

http://babyslime.livejournal.com/174054.html#bad

http://fulfilledhomemaking.com/no-poo-shampoo/

And along the same lines of "What else could go?", it seems baking soda and vinegar could replace not only my shampoo, but ALL my cleaning solutions. Much less expensive than all the natural cleaning products, eh? I like the idea.

An extraordinary life

Time is flying by and we have been in our new home for about eight months already. In some ways it feels like it has been much longer. In other ways we still feel very new here. The navigation feature on my phone hardly ever gets used these days, so that has to be a sign that I am less of a newcomer.

When we left our hometown, we left because it was clear that it was time for my husband to leave his job. Big changes were being made that would mean an end to the work he enjoys and an end to the place he had helped build and felt love for. It was time to GO. So he opened his heart and mind to going somewhere else, leaving his hometown and even his state if he had to. Once he got his opportunity to go, we left.

As a family, we have been so amazed and thankful that somehow we accidentally landed in a city that is really a very good fit for us all. It has been easy for us to find community and make friends. We love all the opportunities for enjoying the outdoors and that it is possible to enjoy the outdoors so much of the year! We are definitely loving this place!

And yet....something we had so recently felt, we were feeling again: this job is not the right fit. Ug. I don't think either of us felt ready for that one yet. However, the fact remained that on every single point, it was not the right job. So my husband started watching. And applying. And interviewing. I was ironing pants. And shirts. And ties. And listening, listening, listening.

As I listened, I got to watch my husband come to a place of clarity about what he was looking for. Over and over, I watched him ignore the advice of the recruiters he was dealing with so that he could get the information he needed to find a job that is truly a good fit for him. And that good fit was very dependent on family life, which some employers did not care about. I saw him turn down offers when I knew how anxious he was to leave his current job, but he was not so anxious to go that he was willing to compromise. He said, "I watch you and the kids live an extraordinary life and I have this idea that maybe I can too". That brought a few tears to my eyes, and I settled in to practice patience.

In a very funny last minute twist to this story, as he was waiting on the offer he had decided to accept, the perfect thing just fell in his lap: the job he was looking for, with people he would enjoy working with, with the flexibility he was looking for and the work/life balance.  It seems to be his opportunity for an extraordinary life.

For us, this part of the story isn't necessarily a happy ending. Who can know? But it is a place where we get to let out a big sigh and feel hopeful about the next chapter of our lives.

Encouraging movement for tweens

For my younger kids, it has always been pretty effortless to encourage movement. With no video games in the house and no TV in the living room, and lots of encouragement to be outdoors, they played hard all day.

Somewhere around 9 or 10, things changed. They became very project driven. My son became very passionate about building models of military machinery and learning about the related history. My daughter has became passionate about sewing and duct tape crafts. I love this age! It's all so very awesome to watch them completely on fire about whatever it is they are into! AND they sit a lot. When the little kids ask them to come play, it's like overnight they forgot how to do it. They don't want to run around in the yard or play pretend. That almost blows my mind because I remember not so long ago when they could spend hours doing those things. But no longer.

And my 12 year old seems to have made yet another shift. He lives so much in his head that it is sometimes tricky to even get his attention. He's listening to stories, writing his own stories, and drawing. No movement there.

Now that I am enjoying the benefits of daily exercise, I am looking at my older kids and thinking, "Hmmm.....these two need some movement in their lives!"

I have had all the same thoughts about this dilemma as I had when I tried to find a good way to exercise myself. I looked into sports and other organized forms of exercise. Swim teams are meeting every morning at 6am for practice and on Saturdays at 6am for meets. We lived baseball season for three kids one summer. Literally lived it. It's all we had time for. Dance or gymnastic tuition x4 kids--yikes! A gym membership for the family--expensive. Really we'd rather be outdoors as much as we possibly can, so we aren't even likely to use a gym membership for much of the year. With all the information I gathered, I decided that surely we can get started on this without a huge commitment of time or money.

So my husband and I are inviting the big kids to join us in our exercise. My son is taking bike rides with my husband. My son and daughter both are joining me for yoga in the evenings. I'm showing them how to use the hand weights safely and how to do sit ups, push ups, squats, etc. My husband is working with my son on learning to do yard work and including him in building projects.

I continue to look for ways to encourage movement. I want to make some changes in the playroom. My little girls are not really into toys. They are more into BIG movement, like climbing, jumping, running, swinging, biking, skating, etc. So I am looking into gym equipment that we could use in our playroom when outdoor play is not possible. Maybe a climbing rope? A balance beam? Gym mats? Maybe the big kids would also enjoy some of these things too.

I'm still working on this! Any thoughts on how to encourage movement and active play for tweens?

Sunday shares

Can't call this Reading Goodies because it's not all reading. I do want to share some of the fun we've been having lately:

• My oldest daughter has been having a blast with duct tape crafts. You can find a couple of her favorite projects here and here.
• And she is still sewing up a storm. If you're looking for me, you'll find me in line for more fabric. I love how each of my kids challenges me in new ways. This one not only likes to sew, she likes to sew without patterns. Kind of freaking me out. But I worked on this with her yesterday and it actually turned out pretty good. Meesha has many sewing tutorials on youtube and is one of my girl's favorites to follow. So if you enjoy this project, there is a lot more where that came from!
• I have been making water kefir. I used to be a yogurt maker, but I can't have dairy so it was kind of a bummer to do all that work and not get to enjoy the end result. The water kefir it not difficult to make, does not require special equipment, and it is tasty!
• If I were more tech savvy, I would make a recording of what my home sounds like these days. My son always has his beat box going. Always. I've taken to dancing every time I hear it. Then he tells me to stop dancing because it's annoying. Ahem. Anyway. He shared this video with me, something he finds inspirational.

And now for some true Reading Goodies:

• You may notice health and body image are on my mind. I enjoyed this funny and true blog post about mama bodies.
• I am currently reading Health at Every Size, by Linda Bacon. Feeling like it could have saved me a lot of trouble if I had read it years ago.
• Just finished Little Britches. It was a first time for all of us. Easy to see why this is a classic. What a sweet story!
• Percy Jackson is making a comeback at our house. Around here, some books are like old friends, and this is one of those.
• Reading this collection of stories with my littles, which led to an interest in Helen Keller's life story. We have been taking in everything we can about Helen Keller and her teacher, Anne Sullivan. This is a great little history for kids with some pictures to go along with the text. Helen Keller was one of my very favorite people to learn about when I was growing up too, so it was fun to revisit this topic. I even watched The Miracle Worker again the other day. I am now loving Anne Bancroft and may have to watch more of her movies.